Commoners

Now I don't claim to have super-human powers, be a punch above the rest of common society nor believe anybody owes me anything for having an IQ of more than 20 in this forsaken city - but don't the common scum of Hull look at themselves in the mirror and think "Wow. I really don't look like that, do I?" or watch and listen to themselves speak and ponder "Why the hell do I sound like a council estate bred, common pygmey with absolutely zero class?".

This revelation comes after riding the city's public transportation has been more of a chore recently than a means of getting to my required destination. In conclusion; I hate chavs, single mums and old women. Which make up a large 90% of bus-goers.

Chavs
What part of "dress, look and sound like a complete cock" sounds appealing to this sub-niche of the lower masses? Stupid arseholes wearing tracksuit bottoms 24/7 tucked into their socks and crappy trainers from Sports Soccer. They wear Helly Hansen winter jackets with a burberry cap. They stink of too much Joop and sound like utter complete scum. Common phrases are "yeaa mate", "nooo mate" and "lend us [item/amount of cash] mate". Basically anything which can be suffixed with the notation "mate", Notice the complete lack of edutation when constructing a basic phrase? These lowlifes will end up on benefits if they aren't already, will expect that Gordon Brown and his excuse for a government actually owe them something and they will probably pop out a few kids to generate a little extra income for their Stella addiction while their child lacks their "5 a day" and daddy gets "24 a day". Chavs should die soon and free up much needed money for this country's national health service.

Single Mums
Apart from the genuine cases of a loving mother which parted from a bad father, which are easily detectable, single mums piss me off more than Bob Geldoff. We understand you have a child, we understand you're a slag, we even accept the fact that you're a good for nothing whore with low self esteem which agrees to unprotected sex with your drug user of a boyfriend in hope that he'll tell you he loves you but to impose your fat waster life on a child is genuinely awful. I hope your ovaries get twisted and you die in a painful yet undetectable vaginal fungii that eats your internal organs.

If you are a single mother, here is a handy-dandy pocket guide on how to be a better parent. I suppose you need it because you're on the Internet now rather than nurturing your child's development:
1. Don't hit your child if she cries, you made her how she is. If she's upset - she needs something. No she's not playing up. She may be thirtsy, she may have pooped, hell; she may even hate her fucking mother.
2. Don't threaten your child. She won't respect you if you threaten your child with "bad misters" or going to bed early. Why would your child sleep at night if she thinks you're taking her to bad which is a bad place? Aren't you as a parent supposed to be teaching your child how to be a responsible human
3. A child is for life; not just extra family allowance to feed your boyfriend's crack addition or your McDonald's affinity. You fat cunt.
4. McDonald's is not suitable dinner for your child. Learn to fucking cook. Do you want your child to have self esteem issues and whore herself out like you did when you was 14?

Old Women
In general pensioners are nice people. If you say hello, they say hello back to you. If you help them across the road, they say thankyou and if you pull your chair back for them, they say "oooh, if I was twenty years younger". But there's something about old women who get busses. They stroll on with their bus pass expecting to stroll on and get their usual seat and if anybody younger than 40 is sat there, they will recieve a "How are you take an unreserved seat on a mode of public transportation?" look and proceed to lecture you about how they were in the war.

You were hiding in your blacked out houses eating pasturised ham from a can whilst people with balls (men and women, not literally) were out fighting so you can become an old, piss smelling, geriatric, argumentative, silver haired fuckwit and complain how easy we have life.

Father Figure

At the KC Stadium and at a recent game between Hull FC and Sheffield in the Carnegie Challenge Cup, the stewards were handing out those fucking annoying TRY/NO TRY things. At the end of the game, I was watching the spectators in the north east corner when I was a young boy throw an airplane which he had made out of one of these wastes of paper.

He promptly sat down after I shook my head to indicate that he's not allowed to do that, for obvious reasons. His father, sat next to him shook his head in disbelief that I had told his son to stop throwing an item which could hit somebody in the back of the head or eye and cause them (and the stadium) a lot of hassle. The father leaned over to his son and told him to make the airplane out of his, and promptly handed him his TRY/NO TRY card thing.

After making the airplane and the boy and the father both being aware I was watching, the kid had it in his hand behind his back ready to throw it. His father was looking at me with a "Who the hell do you think you are?" look. The game was about 2 minutes to the hooter at this point and Hull FC were winning 44 - 6, and the fans were getting a little restless. I kept my eye on the boy, regardless.

The final hooter did sound and they made their way from the top of the east stand, down the stairs and out of the vomitary and while the father was walking by me, he uttered something to the other adult who he came with. I recognized words, "fucking", "cunt" and "arsehole".

What stupid cunt waste of space, excuse for a Dad swears in front of their child like that, and what stupid, dumb, fat fuck of a father figure encourages their child to throw things at other people? I hope he doesn't have health insurance and ends up with lung cancer and has to be on a waiting list for a new one and while waiting, it spreads to his colon and makes him shit himself on a daily basis.

The boy? I hope he realizes that his Dad is a fucking arsehole and leaves home after going to College and goes to a University away from Hull.

Welcome to Kingston-Upon-Hell

Kingston-Upon-Hull, a city on the River Humber/River Hull mouth, with a terrible case of halitosis. I've lived here for many years and I still, no matter how many times I shower, can't get the smell of urine and sewerage off my skin and off the follicles of hair inside my nostrils. I've tried, believe me.

According to Wikipedia, this excuse for a city houses just under 250,000 people. Mostly living in council houses and on benefits, or students living 7 in a house for £30 a week. The majority of them are either babies, or teenage girls who are slags and are now 16 and have a 9 month old child called after somebody from Blazing Squad. Hepatitis B isn't legal enough for my liking.

I will be giving you a unique (honest) insight into this city in the form of a weblog, or blog. See what I did there? I used an Internet buzzword. BLOG! Blog! Wow, I'm a part of the blogosphere now!